Guess who’s bizzack? This has been the craziest week in the most amazing of ways but I haven’t forgotten about you or the single struggle and so here we are with today’s topic.
I made the mistake once of lamenting about my personal single life to the wrong married person. She asked me how my person life was and I recounted how difficult it had been to find an educated, financially stable man who was looking for a serious relationship (and wasn’t a narcissist). So she said to me that maybe I needed to lower my standards and I shot back, “why? so I can settle for a man who can’t read and can hardly keep a job?” The words were out of my mouth faster than Bruce Lee’s one-inch punch. I didn’t mean to go there but I didn’t feel she had the right to criticize me for wanting more in a partner. Her only defense was that her husband could, in fact read.
This person assumed that I was single because no man could ever live up to what she would call my expectations; I call them requisite antecedent characteristics for getting involved with me. I had been in a relationship before where I was carrying the intellectual and sometimes, even the financial burden and well I decided that I didn’t want to do that anymore and that I shouldn’t have to. It doesn’t make me uppity…maybe it does and I’m OK with that because I enjoy the finer things in life and deserve only the best.
Somewhere along the way, some married people decided that a piece of paper and a name change made the the foremost authorities on singlehood because they had escaped. But I implore my married (and boo-ed up) readers out there to remember that not all single people are clueless when it comes to the type of person that would be a good partner for them or what being married is actually like. Once you become a certain age and have experienced certain things, you loosen your grip on the belief that your life would be better simply if you were married or that if you love the person you do marry, everything else will work itself out. I’m not at the age anymore where I can afford to be naive and I wish people wouldn’t assume that I was just because I’d like someone to share my life with.
About two years after the conversation above took place, this person admitted to me, out of the blue, that I had been right; she had settled and she had no place to tell me who I should date or want to be with. She said she wished that she had waited and admired my determination to be prudent in making my choice and for knowing the type of relationship I wanted and the type of person who would be a good fit for me. That’s not to say that I would automatically dismiss or not even consider someone who doesn’t embody certain characteristics but I know that in order to withstand the challenges of a relationship or marriage, if we both don’t meet certain criteria, it won’t work out.
People make a lot of assumptions in life; it’s human nature. Because of the sheer amount of information we have to take in and synthesize on a daily basis, we take mental shortcuts otherwise, we would never have the mental capacity available to make a simple decision such as what to wear to work that day. And so we literally jump to conclusions once we have assimilated enough of the facts to make what we think is a logical observation but we are often wrong about the the context and thus the conclusion is based on faulty premises. People assume that single people actively do things that keep them single; that we hold monthly meetings to determine how we can best sabotage our chances for a relationship and then flawlessly execute our strategies. I mean, that MUST be it because what else could it be?